The Nasty Site !

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.  She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex expert.  Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.  Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.  Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy, vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease.  Worse case I ever see.  Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang believed in being totally honest with his patients, so he gave it to her straight: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

Susy DeLucci and the Miracle of Life.

One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DeLucci of Kittery, Maine, woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had diarrhea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realized that it was urinary pain. It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, just out the wrong hole. She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard. In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled. She was screaming wildly, and the neighbors called the police. When medics arrived they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe. Running down her leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent crossing her other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying there all twisted up. When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet popping sound. Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and forth. The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting in. When he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet without convulsing. The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at a furious pace. If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened: Ms. DeLucci's death was the result of a combination of shock and severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor. It is believed by police that two nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive physical pleasure. At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. The medics found a lesbian XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub. The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobsters' tail joints. The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters. The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to be full of mud shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci's vagina when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from getting her period. Doctors believe that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp which are a much larger version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US. Overnight the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every ten minutes!!! You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.........

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the house, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blowup" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned. How was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's that?". "Well", said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast...she farted and flew out the window!"

A woman is in bed with her lover when she hears her husband coming into the house. "Hurry!" she says. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubs baby oil all over him and dusts him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispers. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquires as he enters the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replies nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." Nothing more is said about the statue, not even later that night when they go to sleep. Around 2 in the morning, the husband gets out of bed, goes to the kitchen, and returns a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he says to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

A repairman is walking through a mental institution. He comes up to the first room and sees a man, swinging an imaginary baseball bat. "What the hell are you doing" he asks. "I`m Babe Ruth. As soon as I hit a home run I`m outta here!", replies the man. The repairman wishes him well and continues on his way. In the next room, there`s a guy swinging an imaginary golf club. "What the hell are YOU doing?" he asks. "I`m Jack Nicklaus. As soon as I make a hole in one I`m outta here!" replies the man. The repairman shakes his head and comes up to the next room. There's a guy sitting naked balancing a peanut on the tip of his dick. "What the hell are you doing!" he asks. "I`m fucking nuts, I`m never gettin outta here! "

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was a few sandwiches short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some actually joined in the fun. One day, Ethel was speeding along a corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out, with his arm outstretched. "Stop", he said in a firm voice. Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and handed him a Kit Kat wrapper. "Ok", he said and she went on her way. Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped outin front of her. "Have you got a valid registration for your vehicle, madam?" Ethel dug into her handbag again and pulled out a beer coaster which she held up to him, so he allowed her to carry on. Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. This one was completely naked and holding a sizeable erection in his hand. "Oh no", said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

A social worker, lawyer and priest were taking a group of school children on a boat as part of a field trip. All of a sudden the boat hit rocks and starts to sink.
"Quick!," yelled the social worker, "Give the life jackets to the kids!"
"Fuck the kids" yelled the lawyer.
"Do you think we have time?" asked the priest.

ORAL SEX AN ODE TO LOVE

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, your on the rag.

THE CREATION OF A PUSSY

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that Monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells the golfing partner, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is Hard of Hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it ? The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear : "Your sister likes this position too."
Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The President was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked If she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.

Regarding the identity of the father of my twins child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number ? Thanks

I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country please advise.

I do not know who the father of my child was as all squadies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

[name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs ?

From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney, maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given] mine might have remained unfertilised.

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are discussing their relative performance in bed.
The Italian says - "When I've a finsheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa da 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy"
The Frenchman replies - "Zat is nossing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Aussie says - "That's nothing, when I've finished shaggin my woman,I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick clean on the curtains. She hits the fucking roof.

A bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town... "Where's the god dam, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking, dingo-titted, arse wipe?" he politely inquires to one of the waiters. The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can".
"I want to see the cunt, and I want to see the cunt now!", replies the man, staring wildly at the waiter. The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the fucking tossy manager of this twat-hole joint?".
"Yes sir, I am", replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private and exclusive restaurant".
"Fuck off, quim-face ", replies the bloke "and where's the fucking piano?"
"Pardon ?" says the manager.
"Fucking deaf as well, are you? You little piece of snivelling shit, show us your pissing piano or I'll fucking twat you."
"Ahhhh !" replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job" and shows the bloke to the piano.
"Can you play any blues?".
"Of course I can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy blues that the manager has ever heard.
"That's superb. What's it called?"
"I want to fuck your wife on the sofa, but the springs keep sticking in me knob," replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most rhythmically complex jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Magnificent !" cries the manager "What's it called?"
"I tried to wank over the washing' machine but my testicles got caught in the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody that brings a tear to his eye and a lump into his throat.
"That's beautiful, what's that called?" asks the manager.
"As I bonk you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece" replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language, but his music is so good he offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night the bloke is playing his piano and sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see-through dress, her breasts are falling out the top of her tight lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is showing clearly through the tight material over her pert bottom. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the pianist and he stops playing and runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the managers voice: "Where's that bloody pianist gone?". He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde gets up off her bar-stool and walks seductively over to the piano, leans over in front of him and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping cum onto your shoes?".
The bloke replies "Know it? I fucking wrote it!".